Entry 20 – Spring Spectacular Shitlist

By HV Smith on March 3, 2013 in Employee Weblog
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Wow. It’s starting to get warm outside – thank god for my personal cooling device. It fits snugly around my neck and keeps me cool all day long! Thanks to intern supreme Terry O. for the helpful hint!

And now back to my Spring Spectacular edition of the Shit List.

  1. The New OrderUP Cafe. I kind of liked it when I could use my secret id card to swipe a $3 chicken noodle pouch. Now I have to spend $12 on a fluffernutter sandwich?? They should call that place PricesUP! *snort*
  2. Laser mouse. Ok, I asked Big Jerry to come and figure out why my optical mouse was consistently not tracking with my movement. (At first I thought it was my carpal tunnel wrist protector that was impeding its steady flow). Jerry spent three hours after work monkeying with it. I finally left. But when I came back the next day the mousepad was greasy and the cubicle smelled like jelly donuts. Curious.
  3. Boxer blow-out. This might be too personal, but I was sitting on my couch the other day, relaxing with some Funions, and I could feel the fabric of the sofa where I should have felt nothing but boxer material. Curiouser and curiouser.
  4. Mesmerizing pipe screen saver. I can’t get enough of this thing. The pipes just keep building and building like a massive, automatic sewage system. I am often reminded of my time in Thornduke 2. Thank god you can’t go backwards in time, you know by accidentally hitting a button or anything.
  5. Automated flight assistants. As some of you may know, I look forward to my regulated 1 week of vacation every year to fly to an exotic location. This year I picked Ottawa, Canada. In calling the airline (I would normally do it online, but my health problems require some special attention) I always get stuck talking to those damn computers! And when I ask for an agent I get some woman in Bangladesh who says her name is Patricia, but I highly doubt that is a Hindu name. The upside is, I am now going to Bangladesh and am looking forward to some time with Patricia’s family working on a snake farm!
  6. Interns. Ok. This may seem contradictory, given all the good things I have to say about my overly caffeinated intern, Terry O. BUT Taz Almighty, this kid NEVER SHUTS UP! I mean, it’s a copier. Nobody showed ME how to use it. Figure it out! I came in the other day and he was standing there pushing buttons, drinking a red bull. The answer is not in the bottle, Terry! It’s not in the bottle!
  7. Skittles. Fuck you rainbow tasters. You ever try to taste a rainbow? It tastes damp. Yuck.
  8. Christina Ricci. Nothing personal, I just think she’s creepy.
  9. The person who consistently leaves an empty coffee cup on top of the filing cabinet nearest my cubby. Are you trying to tell me something? Or are you just the laziest SOB in our entire company? Actually that would be the person who tried to flush the toilet seat protector down the toilet. What are you high? I had to reach in there and pull the shredded thing out with my hand. THANKS FOR MAKING MY MONDAY, jerk.
  10. Budgetary projections. Argh. I’m drowning in cell notes and am twenty three bucks short on PC receipts! It’s gotta be from that House of Zs team breakfast “Early Start Meeting.”

I gotta hit the Castle Pounder for some flounder nibs.

PS:  Hey, is it possible for just your feet to get sick? Just thought I’d throw that out there.

PPS:  Had some really good Chowder Balls last night over at BinOnions.

HV Smith

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